So Selfish

Lady Seoul


She was so selfish in believing
That she could replace her own losses with me
She was so selfish in thinking
That her money could buy out my own purpose,
Identity,
Self-worth,
And self-dignity
She was so selfish in believing
That her presence could really silence the thoughts of my mother inside of my mind
She was so selfish in thinking
That the day would never come in where I'd finally leave to take on my own quest
In which I've spent my entire lifetime still searching
Still searching to find
She was so selfish in believing
That she could really replace my own mother with her
She was so selfish in thinking
That one day I would or could even ever truly care
She tried to quiet my voice
By not inviting me to speak
While all the while others mis-interpreting me as humble,
Gentle,
Quiet,
And meek
She tried to quiet my voice
By ignoring the facts
She tried to quiet my voice
By insinuating
That it was me
Who didn't know how to act
She was so selfish in believing
That she was instilling love and grace
While all the while
She was teaching me all of the reasons
Of just why exactly it is
That I should hate the white race
She was so selfish in thinking
That I was her charity case
She was so selfish in believing
That I was her way
Of contribution towards the human race
She was so selfish in thinking
That because she gave
She should receive
While all the while
She never once
Attempted to truly understand
Or to even get to know of me
She was so selfish in believing
That if she continued in her way
By trying to do better by my son
Than eventually
In the near-near future
She would overcome
She was so selfish in thinking
About her losses
Rather than mine
She was so selfish in believing
That my open wounds would heal in due time
She cared more about finding acceptance
Even if it did have to come from my son
Rather than attempting to rectify the situation
That had years ago
Already begun
She gave up on me
A very long time ago
Say
When my son first had life
She ran from the situations
Created out of losses and strife
Now that I stand here
All on my own
Embellishing in the thoughts
Of just where exactly it is do I go?
I think to myself
Life just isn't for all of us to understand
Or
For all of us to ever fully know
I make a promise to myself
That I'll continue
To take one day at a time
As I continue on my life's journey
Still searching
Still searching to find
My way back home
To the woman who looks like me
My way back home
Where finally my heart,
My soul,
And my spirit
Can finally be set free
She took twice
What was never from the beginning hers
So she took twice
What she didn't deserve
What you love
You help to nourish
And you help to grow
And when the fruit becomes wholesome and ripe
The fruits of the spirit
Will come forth to show
She was so selfish.

Lady Seoul's Korean name is Yoo, Akeyoung. As far as her records acknowledge, she was born in Seoul, South Korea and arrived in the states at approximately 1-1/2-yrs of age. Akeyoung grew up in the Midwest and was raised in an all-white community. She later moved to the South, where she attended Oakwood College studying Business Management & Theology. Although she took a break from school during her Junior year, she recently moved from the South to New York City to hone her craft as a writer. Previously, Akeyoung completed her first manuscript, a compilation of poetry. She is currently seeking a literary agent/literary publisher. To learn more about Akeyoung, you can log on at: http://www.MySpace.com/LadySeoulNYC2006

Keywords:
Emotions and Development Section --words: grief, loss, birthparent