The day that my parents came home from the conference with my teachers saying that I had a good chance of graduating, I was scared out of my wits. At the last quarter of the school year I tried by best to fail the school year because I was scared to go to high school because I knew I was accepted into a very good high school. When I graduate I knew I would be expected to grow up as I was more into high school. I hate to grow up because I have to have a lot of attention from everyone or anyone who will give it to me. I also like to be the center of attention if I can.

After I found that I was actually going to be able to get my diploma I started with a question in my head, "can I act so bad that I canít graduate?" I started to support my idea. Even though it didnít work I tried things as running away from home for a long period of time, having extreme temper tantrums, hitting, kicking biting people and doing anything else nasty, mean and cruel. I was really terrified when I ran away because maybe the police would be after me and be at my sides until and after I graduated. I was very angry. I almost wanted to leave home and never come back but I knew I couldnít do that because I knew I wouldnít survive but tried to make myself believe that I could. I was mean to a lot of wild animals, I would throw stones at the birds and squirrels. I would yell at them. I also ate out of garbage cans because I wanted to be considered a poor little child with no food, home or family. I would throw anything I could get and throw it at anything because I was angry and scared of growing up. When I finally came back home I got into an absolute rage with my mother. As I was screaming, yelling, hitting, biting everyone I was feeling more and more angry at everyone. As I was in the rage I was being controlled I was screaming and yelling false things. I was so angry I just wanted to be let alone and run, run away again, but I couldnít. My mother was trying to love me but to me it seemed more like torture than care. I hated to talk to my mother because I was so angry and frustrated at everyone and everything. When I was having the extreme temper tantrums I was so afraid that mom or dad would call the police to take me away but in some ways I wanted it to happen.

The night before graduation I ran away from home. I got into one of the dreadful, terrifying scenes, mother got me under control. After she finally got me under control, she took me into her room and held me like a baby. She also rocked me in her lap on her bed. It was actually comfortable in my motherís lap.

The day I graduated I was happy, but I was shaking in my shoes. I was so afraid I wish the day never came. I was really nervous when I was preparing for the night. When I went that night I was so nervous that I was shaking all over, hot, sweaty. As I was carrying the rose up to the altar, I was crying in my head. But even though I was scared, I was really happy to graduate. As I was walking up I felt really proud of myself for being there.

I was so happy that I cried when I was giving my parents the yellow rose which meant "thank you" but I couldnít say it because I was happy and proud of myself and my parents. When I went up to get my diploma I was thinking back to what my parents and I had to do in order to get to this point in my life. I was so happy about myself. After graduation when my mother put a flower on my dress I felt like the center of attention. All the sudden all my past classmates wanted me to sign their yearbooks, programs etc.

Now that I have graduated it means growing up, new, daring challenges for future life. Even though I want to grow up it is going to be very scary and frightening because it is new for me, but I am going to have a lot of support from my parents. Even though I am growing up I still am going to be able to have time to act like a baby even though Iím seventeen years old.

  personal experiences : child's perspective
  behavior : emotional reasons for behaviors
  emotions and development : transitions
  emotions and development : emotional reasons for behaviors