What I was doing was not entirely clear to me. It is not often that I have to help restrain someone I love. As I struggled with his legs, a wave of emotion swept over me. This was the same smiling boy who went shopping with me only hours before. Why was he now screaming out of control on the kitchen floor? It took every bit of my strength both physical and mental to held him down. I couldnít blame him for being out of control yet, my anger, at him, swelled inside. I looked down at his angry screaming face and I saw a scared boy. Scared for who he was, scared at what he was doing. I knew that he didnít want to be doing what he was, yet, I knew he couldnít control himself. I couldnít help but think of all the times that he cried out and screamed and nobody cared, and we werenít around to help. It was the lack of love that hurt him and the love that I gave him that scared him. As he slowly calmed down I was relieved. He was going to be OK. I loosened my grip on his leg and tried to relax only to have him lose control again. The harder I tried to hold him the easier it seemed for him to get loose. I turned away and didnít look at him. It was the only way that I could accomplish what I had to do. Detaching myself from the situation was the only way that I could cope. I couldnít watch as my brother, who is the hardest to love yet who gives me the most satisfaction when a token of that love is returned, screamed out, anguished by the internal problems I could only dream of helping to solve, lay almost still on the floor.
The hardest part, ironically, is to be mad. This brother who ruins every family gathering, every birthday and every holiday was just that, by brother. A part of my family whom I have promised to love unconditionally. I donít blame him for all the problems he has, I know that I, because I want to, because I care, and because I love him, have to help him become the best person he can be. If it means that I restrain him in his worst moments or laugh with him in his best, I will do it. He is my brother, my family and I know that he would do the same if it were me.