Thoughts About My Birthmother

By Jade 

I just read a touching book called I Wish For You A Beautiful Life, and in it are letters from Korean Birth Mothers to their children. Reading this book touched a cord in my heart since I am adopted and have often wondered about my own birthmother.

Whenever I used to think about the woman who gave birth to me it would be with detachment. I could never think of her as a person who still lived in the world. I thought maybe she wasnít real. I donít think I have ever hated her, but I have always wondered how she could let me go.

I feel like I have two lives. One in Korea with my birthmother and another one in California with my family. The life in Korea feels like it was in the past and is no longer part of me. Little by little, it is fading away from me.

I admit that part of it is my fault because there have been times I did not want to remember and I did everything to forget. I am not ashamed of being adopted, but I wasnít exactly proud of it either. I have spent the first part of my life trying to run away from the truth, but now I realize I must face it, for it is the truth that makes me.

I honestly thought my birthmother didnít love me enough to keep me, but now I realize it is the exact opposite. My birthmother loved me so much that she was willing to push her own feelings aside to give me a better life. I marvel at her courage. To me that is braver than anything she could have done.

Whenever I feel sad about myself and not sure about who I am, I keep the knowledge that my birthmother did care about me locked deep in my heart. This knowledge gives me the strength to go on.

When I think about my birthmother now it fills my heart with both sadness and happiness. The only difference about the way I think about her now and then is that back then I thought she didnít love me and I thought of her as little as possible, but with respect and admiration.

I have learned a lot and have come to see my adoption with not just my eyes, but with my birthmotherís. Instead of only thinking about my feelings I think about hers. I realize that I wasnít the only one who was in pain and hurt. She was too!

I like to think that even though she hasnít seen me for a long time, that she is still thinking and caring about me like I am about her. I wish for her happiness more than anything. I wish that she has a beautiful life like the one that she has given me.

I wish I could talk to her and tell her that her daughter doesnít hate her. I wish I could show her how much I have grown. I wish I could tell her how proud I am of her. I wish I could somehow send the message that her daughter is doing fine and is happy. I wish that when I am all grown up I can make her proud of me. Whatever I do I sometimes feel that I am also doing it for her. I am not just living my life for me, but also for her too.

Although I sometimes dream of going back to Korea and seeing her, I know that it is not very realistic. Since I wonít be able to see her and thank her for what she has done for me, I know that the only way to thank her is by living a good and happy life like she would have wanted me to.

With each day I realize how blessed I am. Life is not an easy road, but it is a worthwhile one. I want to thank my birthmother for not just giving me life, but making sure it was a beautiful one. For that she is my true heroine.

  personal experiences : international adoption
  birth family contacts : reflections about birth families and mothers
  emotions and development : grief and loss
  emotions and development : positive adoption experience